I am pretty sure you haven’t lived a full life until you are
doing 90kms/hr, through the city, Industrial music on loud, and a back seat of
Helium filled Balloons punching you in the face.
Let me explain how this came to be for me.
On July 24th, my awesome younger sister turns 30,
HOLY SHIT. Now I am much older than my
sister. I remember the day she was born
clearly. My older brother woke me up
with shake to tell me ‘Mums gone to have the baby!”.
We were old enough to be left sleeping while mum and dad
took off in the middle of the night to have our beautiful little sister. I was 11, our brother 13.
We sat excitedly, all dressed and ready to go by the phone
in the kitchen. When it finally rang,
our brother, Richard grabbed the phone and our dad told us we had a sister.
YAY!
Dad came and picked us up soon after, he took us to Smitty’s
for breakfast (bacon and pancakes!) and then we went to the hospital to see Mum
and meet our sister.
I sat in a chair, with a gown on and held this tiny, pink
and wrinkly little baby. I remember
asking why she was so wrinkly?! Richard knelt next to me looking fondly at the
next sister he would do his best to make into a Tom-boy and smiled.
Afterwards, dad took us to go see Ghostbusters.
Best. Day. Ever.
Fast forward nearly 30 years. I wanted to plan a nice party for Apryl. She had conditions thought she made me
promise to, absolutely not a surprise party and please not some gathering way
out of town where our Mum now lives. She
said she would be thrilled with Thai Food and hitting a pub.
Done and Done
I booked a restaurant, contacted the people Apryl asked me
to, picked up some Crave Cupcakes, and thought, my sister must have Balloons!
I drove to a party place that does Helium Balloons, picked
out some colours and themed ones and hung about while they filled them up.
As I am paying for them the lady says to me ‘Okay now, so
keep the AC up full and the windows down or these babies will pop.”
Me ‘Errr what?’
Lady “It’s Helium, it’s hot out, if you get these warm they
will explode, in your face as you’re driving home.”
Me “Ummm alright”
Now here’s the thing.
I do not have AC. Nope, it makes
me instantly stuffed up so I never bothered getting it installed.
So now I am PARANOID that these balloons are going explode
in my face. Awesome, not awesome.
I have to wrestle them in to the car, because of course the
wind has picked up, Dwayne Johnson would have been proud of me. I finally get them shoved into the back seat,
because like a dumb-ass, my trunk is filled with crap that it doesn't need to be
filled with.
I open the windows, check my rear-view and can’t see a
fracking thing. Let’s hope no cops see
this clown car and decide to pull me over and ticket me.
I start to drive and the damn green HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloon
immediately starts getting sucked through the window, now I did have the
intelligence to get them all tied together and weighed down so it doesn't
escape, but I quickly yanked that green one back in and power windowed the back
windows up.
Fan-fucking-tastic. I can’t drive with the windows
down. So I try the front windows half
down, keep in mind I am driving my car at the same time. Balloons, start flying
and gyrating all over the back seat and that god-damned green one starts flying
into the front and smacking me in the side of the face. I couldn't make this shit up.
I am driving with one arm and the other one is constantly
trying to punch that green damned balloon into the back seat.
Finally, a red light.
I try shove them back behind one of the seats, I look over and the guy
parked next to me grinning with a grin filled with amusement on his face.
It starts to warm up in the car, I am so waiting for a
balloon to pop, I wouldn't put it past that fracking Green one to fly forward,
sucker-punch me the face and then explode all while in mid-shift of gears.
So I go the rest of the way like this, all windows done when
stopped, once we start moving, as quickly as I can get the windows up, while
balloons, mostly that jerk Green one, punches me in the face.
I believe I amused many people on the drive home, you are
welcome Calgary.
20 minutes later I arrive home. No popped balloons, I am STOKED. Take that
Helium! Take that Lady in the store! Take that AC!
I get out of my car, open up the back door, slowly and
carefully pull the balloons and BANG! The cool black 30! Balloon pops, in my
face!
The language that came out of my mouth, I am not proud
of. I am PISSED I lost one, after I got
them all the way home, but my sister will have balloons for her birthday and
they will be HER problem getting them all the back to the city she lives in,
two hours south of Calgary.
Happy Birthday Apryl, enjoy your balloons, and keep an eye
of that shifty Green one, it is currently taunting me from across the living
room.
